The Traitors is the Only Thing Keeping Me From K*lling Myself

That's that me depresso

When I got my new iPhone (which was immediately outdated by the announcement of a newer iPhone the second I paid) I was gifted three complimentary months of Apple News.

I really liked it at first, but now I realize all news is bad news. I’ve been mainlining daily reasons to be depressed. Local, national and international news is top-to-bottom, wall-to-wall hell. I live in constant fear of the daily Apple News updates - a cute lil feature where they summarize three tragedies news stories in eight words or less. I can only conclude that unfortunately, the news is just for people who want to kill themselves.

My only refuge from the barrage of bad headlines is Alan Cumming, “his” mansion and the cast of The Traitors. Nothing makes me laugh harder than former The Bachelor contestant turned co-Bachelorette turned lesbian, Gabby Windey. Her confessionals describing the day’s events in her signature monotone? Ugh! Music to my god damn ears. And Alan’s flamboyant and violently unflattering outfits? Music to my god damn eyes!

The Statue of Liberty, if she slayed^^^

The ensemble cast of celebrities in the game is completely unique to the show and the last bastion of DEI in the USA. There’s a royal-adjacent gay guy, Sarah Highland’s husband, a handful Survivor alumni, Real Housewives of Several Cities, an extremely sweaty Tom Sandoval, Big Brother players, a Biggest Loser coach, Zach Efron’s brother and most randomly: Britney Spears’ ex-husband Sam Asghari.

The way the other players avoid speaking to, eating with or looking directly at Sam releases enough dopamine in my brain to launch me into outer space for two weeks.

The show’s editing should be studied by our best and brightest. It somehow gets viewers at home to feel superior to the players in the game. It’s like how people watching the Olympics from their couch feel comfortable criticizing world-class athletes as if they know which end of a pole vault is the bottom.

Whenever one of the straight guys is on the screen, I scream “BOOO!” It’s the closest to sports I’m willing to experience.

The round tables of each episode are my favourite. If you haven’t seen the show - this is when players arbitrarily accuse other players of being one of the titular traitors in hopes of eliminating them by presenting damning evidence such as:

• having weird vibes

• being annoying

• voting for the accuser the week prior

• making weird facial expressions

• talking too much

• not talking enough

I find it endlessly fascinating how the players of The Traitors form cliques. I won’t even bother discussing how the straight men always seem to fall in step with each other to take out the rest of the players. There’s a perfectly good article about that here. But the girls and the gays also defer to the straight men too in a psychotic way. The way people know Boston Rob is a ruthless strategy game player and overall threat yet still turn to him and unquestioningly do his bidding is unhinged. Even the Bambi’s - an alliance between Chrishell, Gabby and Nikki - is immediately and effortlessly divided by Rob.

In season two, Real Housewives were completely underestimated (justice for Phaedra Parks).

Reality stars from “guilty pleasure” shows (aka women’s shows) are looked down on by the players from more respected strategy games like Big Brother and Survivor. But often the contestants from the first category have more of the skills required to succeed at this game. Real Housewives are perceptive, and are often able to sniff out liars. Stars from Selling Sunset are accustomed to confrontation and selling a narrative - a central element of the weekly round tables. And even Sam Asghari is easily able to avoid back-stabbing thanks to his previous marriage to a knife-wielding dancer.

So far, my favourite player is Carolyn. I’d die for her. She’s a traitor in the game (spoiler alert), and she’s such a freak - she isn’t on a single person’s radar. She is always being talked over and ignored. When Carolyn enters a room, other players give each other looks like “here we go…” She’s constantly licking her Juvéderm-sponsored lips like a parched lizard. I think the faithful players would be less surprised if she revealed herself to be reptilian than a traitor.

I’m addicted to the way she moves. She walks through “Alan’s” mansion like a spider learning to walk with just two legs. Her voice can’t decide what octave it’s supposed to be. She sounds like a teenage boy going forward and backward through puberty or a bagpipe being tuned. I am so deeply invested in Carolyn’s success - even if it means Chrishell goes home empty handed. And for me, that’s huge.

This show makes me feel alive. It’s keeping me going through the grey, cold Toronto winter months. So, if anyone reading this is feeling especially sad lately (and I wouldn’t blame you) I highly suggest firing up an episode of The Traitors. It’s basically therapy.