Getting Personal #4: Hot Guy Names
Would a Chad by any other name smell as Axe Body spray?
Photo Cred: Orion Candelma
In today’s newsletter:
Remembering the Instagram account Hot Guys Reading
Discussing the Paris 2024 Olympic’s “anti-sex” beds
A definitive breakdown of Hot Guy Names™
H-Word Book Club Inaugural Book: Get In My Swamp
Hi! Welcome to my newsletter Thirst Trap! If you found it but haven’t subscribed yet, guess what? They have a button for that!
Okay, time for this week’s essay. Let’s go girls 🤠
Hot Dudes Can Read? 📚🤓
Sometimes I’ll be doing a mundane task like folding laundry, waiting for the subway or re-organizing my Sonny Angel™ collection and I’ll have a flashback to a particular moment in culture. One minute I’ll be looking for the other sock and the next I’ll remember the meme account The Fat Jewish and the wine company he started White Girl Rosé and then the rest of my night will be spent researching what happened to that account since I last thought about it in 2017 and whether his wine company still exists. Also he apparently wrote a book called Money, Pizza, Respect (???) which brings me to my next flashback:
The Instagram account Hot Dudes Reading. For those who don’t know - this was an account that posted voyeuristic snapshots of hot men (usually) in New York City (usually) commuting to work and reading (usually) on the subway.
This is a relic from a period of time where all men had to do was hold a book the right way up on the subway and have some semblance of a jaw-line and he was given a key to the city (and our hearts).
Imagine being an alien and discovering this account. It would go something like this:
Alien #1 and Alien #2 stand huddled around an iPhone discovered in a space time capsule or whatever NASA does.
Alien #1: So they’re just like… pictures of guys reading?
Alien #2: Hot guys reading.
Alien #1: Is it at least Jane Austen?
Alien #2: …
Alien #1: Seriously, what is he reading?
Alien #2: I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
*both Alien’s heads explode*
fin.
Anyways - that’s what I was thinking about this week. The account is no longer posting regularly - just one to three posts a year. Which is either because hot guys stopped reading as much or they’re an endangered species and no one is talking about it. In one of the latests posts, a Hot Guy™ is reading fellow gay stand-up comedian Zach Zimmerman’s book Is It Hot in Here?
Now, not to act like a hot guy, but I just read Miranda July’s All Fours and I fricking loved it. Enough to say ‘frick’ even! It’s about a woman having a mid-life crisis (not just for men!) and having a series of menty-b’s (okay, me vibes) which start to derail her life. It was stressful at times. I love Miranda’s writing. Maybe not a beach read, but it was great.
What’s on YOUR summer reading list? Lemme know in a comment below!
The Paris Olympic’s Doesn’t Want Athlete’s F*cking 💦🍆🥇
You heard it here first: the city of love wants the Olympic athletes to be incels! While everyone else is having a Horny Girl Summer™ (this isn’t a thing, but it should be) the Paris athletes will be living their No Sex in the City fantasy.
Everybody knows the Olympic village is a certified F*ck Fest™ and to try and get them to keep their hands to themselves, they’ve developed ‘anti-sex’ beds.
How are beds anti-sex? Well it’s actually incredibly impressive, cutting edge technology you’ve probably never heard of before. It’s called CARDBOARD. Basically if more than one person is on the bed, it will collapse. And I bet you’re wondering how well this ‘technology’ is working… Luckily, athletes have already tested them out on TikTok. Check it out:
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I feel like this measure is not only anti-sex, it’s also anti-Olympics. The whole point of the games is to bring the world closer. What better way to show the world we’re united by letting these athletes come together (AY-OH!)?
Not All Hot Guy Names Are Created Equal 🔥👅
A name is so important. Don’t believe me? Just look at the difference between Chet and Colin hanks. Nurture or Nature? You tell me.
I started thinking about the importance of names for two reasons. The first of which is baby names. What people are and more importantly aren’t naming their kids is always fascinating to me. Apparently, no one has named their kid Karen in America since 2020. That name has the worse PR than people with the name Chad or Donald Trump. Look, I get it. Personally, if I laboured for 12+ hours, and look down at my sweet baby girl and felt compelled to name her Karen and give her the Kate Gosselin cut - I’d maybe wait a bit for the epidural to wear off.
The other reason I was thinking about names is because when I’m writing a script for work, and I need a new character name, it takes me so long to come up with one. Names are so loaded. I don’t want to name a character Rick unless he really is a Rick. And don’t even get me started on the difference between Shawn and Sean.
What I’m trying to say is; names are important and I’d like to make fun of some! I asked ChatGPT to generate a list of 100 hot guy names and then I did a bit of a free association game with them.
You: “Aidan, isn’t this a lazy attempt at a newsletter? This isn’t even an essay!”
It’s not, you’re right. It’s more like a lis-ssay (list/essay) which is much easier to read/skim on the bus. So don’t complain, Karen!
Here they are:
Alexander - What, did you invent the telephone? Grow up.
Benjamin - I feel like to go by full-blown Benjamin is a choice. You want to be taken seriously. But why? What are you running from, Benjamin Franklin.
Caleb - This name is in the middle of a rebrand, mostly because of the comedian Caleb Hearon in my humble opinion. But don’t get me wrong - this name is dark sided. Caleb’s don’t share.
Daniel - Desperate for attention. It’s enough with the bits already, just eat your broccoli.
Elijah - This isn’t a real name. This is a name for characters in TV shows. And they’re not even main characters. Don’t do this to your son.
Finn - This name has a lot of pun potential. It’s easy to come up with a cool and fun social media handle (derogatory). This also reminds me of Finn Hudson from Glee (sad).
Gabriel - A guy named Gabe = cool. A guy named Gabriel = a Christian goody two shoes who is going to ruin your life.
Hunter - Men are statistically predators. This is too on the nose.
Isaac - This is not a hot guy name. AI really underemphasizing the ‘intelligence’ with this one…
Jack - Hot in an American Gothic way I can’t explain. Bit of a know-it-all, but ultimately his strong jaw makes you forget that mansplaining is annoying.
Kai - He can cook. He does it in a hot way. Not in the TikTok way where it’s a super cut of all the chops back-to-back-to-back. You know what I mean.
Liam - Okay, a Liam is randomly the life of the party. He’s a good time, but his phone is literally always dead.
Mason - Would give you an STI and then blame you for giving it to him.
Noah - Noah’s are always lost. I feel like whenever I’m at the grocery store a mom has lost her 72 month old son and he’s always named Noah.
Oliver - Mommy issues. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Parker - He’s hot for sure, but I feel like if you dated, you’d have to help him get a health card.
Quinn - I feel like this is a hot nerd. Quinn knows how to hack into the mainframe, and then hack into your pu— Okay, sorry!!!
Ryan - Bisexual energy always.
Samuel - Loves to pine. I feel like Samuel’s aren’t happy with what they have. Always need a lil more or something else. Restless Leg Syndrome but a person.
Thomas - I only accept this formal version this name. I feel like Tommy’s are always doing dumb shit and getting hurt. The kind of guy to think of his own Jack Ass stunts and then end up in a cast on his wedding day.
Uriel - This feels violently Catholic to me, which of course means it’s of Jewish origin. Uriel probably has great hair but - and I know this is random - he always has an indent on his ankles like he just took off his socks that are 1-2 sizes too small.
Victor - Hottie with a body, but will have some of the worst tattoos you’ve ever seen in your life.
William - hot but won’t have hair past 27. And before you try to cancel me, please know I’m allowed to say that - some of my best friends are bald.
Xavier - Hot, but resentful that his name is always last or almost last when listed alphabetically. Talks a bit like a Minion.
Zane - Rocks for brains. And not in a himbo way. There’s malice there.
Adrian - He fucks. Never makes love.
Blake - I’ll be honest, this is a better as a last name. Like villain/step-mom-to-be in the Parent Trap, Meredith Blake. First name Blakes always have TSN on in the background (derogatory).
Carter - He’s hot, but always getting his belt loop caught on door frames when he walks by. You know what I mean?
Dylan - Thinks he’s funnier than he is. Just shorten your stories my love, and then people will listen all the way through without getting bored.
Ethan - Tall. Almost… too tall. What’s the air like up there, my man? Thin?
Felix - A guy named Felix is always sick and he’s kinda gross about it. Finding dirty tissues places they shouldn’t be (anywhere but trash) vibes.
Gavin - Hot, but against all odds. The kind of guy you can’t really explain WHY he’s hot but he just… IS.
Henry - He looks good holding a baby. Major DILF in the making.
Ian - A confident driver, but sadly a bad driver too. Scary!
Jacob - Food influencer. He’s funny. Your mom will like him.
Kevin - Kevins are a spectrum of hot. Kevins are so ubiquitous they’re almost a category unto themselves. Like milk. There’s Almond Kevin, 2% Kevin, Oat Kevin. Every friend group has as least one which is why they’re always having a crisis of self.
Leo - LOVES to dance. If there’s a beat, he’s shakin’ his tail feather!
Matthew - Matthews can be depended on. They’re more grown up than a Matt. You don’t want a Matt in an emergency, you need Matthew.
Nathan - Knows how to use Excel. And not in the way we all lie about. He can do the equations and make little graph thingies. His burden is explaining how programs work to other people with one brain cell.
Owen - Perfect boy in every way (my dog’s name was Owen - RIP).
Patrick - Perfect drinking buddy. Makes the best wine/beer suggestions.
Quentin - Has the body of a personal trainer and the mind of a salad spinner.
Reid - This is randomly the hottest name a guy can have. It’s giving athlete. But not one of the dumb sports where they chase a ball. Tri-athlete maybe.
Sebastian - This is the name of a guy who loves to cheat. He can’t help it. And he won’t.
Tyler - Makes great cocktails.
Vincent - Somehow born with step-children?
Wyatt - Never closes the kitchen cupboards.
Xander - Likes bugs.
Zachary - Likes cars.
Aaron - Likes arguing.
Bradley - Speaks Spanish and is reeeeally annoying about it on vacation.
Chase - His iPhone screen is always cracked - it’s like the Apple Store sells them to him broken.
Declan - Comes from money. The only way to have this name and be hot. Sorry.
Evan - The kind of guy you meet, kiss in the rain and then a week later he moves to Europe and you never see him again.
Flynn - He always, always, always has a lighter but doesn’t smoke.
Grayson - Can’t remember his bank pin.
Hudson - Doesn’t “like” vegetables.
Isaac - Trying to trick me, I see. Again. Isaac is not hot.
Julian - Always late.
Kyle - I feel like if a guy named Kyle needs a blood transfusion, they don’t give them blood, they give them Sugar Free RedBull.
Lucas - Says he’s read an article, but means he read a Tweet about an article.
Miles - Pronounces it BARTH-A-LONA and EH-BEETH-AH. Never been to either.
Nolan - Really good at making coffee but kinda obnoxious about it.
Oscar - Perpetually in a bad mood, lives in a garbage can.
Pierce - Calls his mom 3 times a day, which was cute at first but on your honeymoon, it’ll make you wanna serve him divorce papers.
Roman - Still has a weird thing going on with his ex, Gerri.
Simon - A little too helpful. Like, get out of my way.
Theo - Loves to hike, and needs to be the one to light the campfire.
Usher - Really loves to show off when people are singing happy birthday. He does vocal runs on the final “to you” that really outshines everyone else.
Vaughn - Talks SO loudly. Literally has never heard of a whisper.
Wesley - Has never spoken up in his life. Human doormat. Literally, what are you saying, dude?
Xavier - Loves his car. Makes you take off your shoes before you get in. I can’t believe you kiss your car goodnight… 🎶
Zayden - Has a plant collection with a complicated watering schedule he tracks in a Google Doc. He can’t go on vacation or one of his plants will die, and he doesn’t trust other people to water them for him.
Archer - Still uses the world’s loudest mode of transportation: skateboard.
Brody - Extremely thoughtful. In an almost intimidating way. Like when Christmas rolls around, he’ll get you a toy you had when you were a kid - the one that made you believe in magic when Santa brought it. It brings a tear to your eye as you run you fingers over the toy in disbelief. When he asks you what you got him, you’re embarrassed, but you hand him a pair of socks. He insists they’re exactly what he wanted. He puts them on right away. Then goes down on you for like 20 minutes by the fire on a bear skin rug.
Camden - His family has a castle in Ireland. It’s amazing this time of year.
Dominic - Says “when you’re here, you’re family” when he comes.
Easton - Always wearing sunglasses inside. And always has AirPods in…
Ford - RICH. Like airplane money, rich.
Grant - Workaholic.
Harrison - He’s an amazing friend, would never hurt a fly, until it’s time to play a board game. Then he becomes a sociopath.
Jasper - Sore loser.
Kaden - Talks like he’s on a podcast.
Landon - Reeeeally self-conscious about his penis size. It’s not even small, and you don’t care, but he’s making a big deal about it.
Max - Always bragging about how much he loves going down on girls, in a way that makes it seem like he’s never done it before…
Nico - Struggles with boundaries.
Phoenix - His love language is the most psychotic one: gift giving.
Rhys - Really helpful and also tall. He’s always getting things from a top shelf for you.
Sawyer - Really into sneakers.
Travis - Owns a pick-up truck and that’s his personality. He even to role play as the tow-truck from Pixar’s Cars and that weirdly works for you.
Shane - Really organized at home. Everything is labelled. He has drawer organizers. But god forbid you forget to put something in the hamper…
David - His body is hairless in a way that makes you wonder if he secretly shaves it, even though you’ve been living together for 2 years. Like, when does he have time to do that? Maybe he’s part dolphin?
Weston - Doesn’t believe in the moon landing.
Cooper - Has a hard time making decisions. Honey, who doesn’t? But don’t make it our problem!
Axel - Into sex stuff like tying you up. Can’t ride a bike though.
Bryce - You wouldn’t trust him to take care of a pet rock. But weirdly he’s very good at acting. You went to see his community theatre play and it was surprisingly quite moving. You even cried at one point!
Carson - Incredible teeth. They’re not too white. Like, you know when people get veneers and they’re so white, they’re almost blue? And it’s hard to look at them but you can’t look away either. His aren’t like that. He definitely whitens them, sure, but he has restraint too.
Damien - When he knocks something over he says “did I do that?” and the first time it was kinda funny, but now you’re wondering how to get rid of a body.
Emmett - Hot in a pioneer way. You’d like to churn his butter!
Christopher - Is he actually hot, or does he just remind you of that guy who was a little too mean to you in high school?
What are some hot names I missed, and what do they mean to you? Or, if I made fun of your name, defend yourself in the comments!
Get In My Swamp 🧅💚🏰
Next week is my first H Word Book Club and I’ll be reading Get In My Swamp: An Ogre Love Story. To say I’m excited is an understatement. I think I can only be described as:
If you wanna order it and read along, you can. If you just want to read my essay about it next week, even better!
If you liked what you read and you’re in the Toronto area, you can also come see me do stand-up comedy! Get tickets to my show here.
Can I ask you one more teensy tiny favour? Could you hit the heart button at the bottom there? It helps my newsletter get discovered and I would truly cry of happiness!
Thank you again for reading!
Okay so 1. How is an athlete supposed to do well in the Olympics if they’re literally sleeping g on cardboard? Can’t imagine peak performance is an option when your back is stiff. 2. Felix made THE MOST sense to me.
I didn't invent the telephone, but this was the wake-up call I needed.